Hash #1754 – Festivus

When:
December 10, 2016 @ 2:00 pm
2016-12-10T14:00:00-05:00
2016-12-10T14:15:00-05:00
Where:
1162 Morningside Ave
Pittsburgh, PA 15206
USA

Who: Defender of Peedom, Porn Again Christian, Fuk Stik, PTA

Where: 1162 Morningside Ave Pittsburgh, PA 15206

When: Saturday December 10, 2016 @ 2:00 PM

Why: 11th Annual FESTIVUS!!! Celebration

My favorite time of year is finally here again! That’s right, its time again for hurt feelings and cracked ribs…. FESTIVUS!!!

“But Defender, Holidaze is on the same weekend! Can’t FESTIVUS be postponed another week?” Abso-fucking-lutely NOT!!!

I know some of you might be asking yourself, “What’s this Holidaze you speak of? What’s all the fuss?” Holidaze you see, is a super elite, exclusive, invite only event held near Salamanca, New York. It’s fucking awesome… if you enjoy spending a weekend in a  freezing cabin with piss soaked floors eating dry ham…

I know by now you are probably wondering, “why have I never heard of this?”  And the reason is really simple…. YOU JUST AREN’T COOL ENOUGH!!!

But enough about Holidaze, this is all about FESTIVUS!!! If you have any other questions about Holidaze, I know HLT and T-Bag will be more than happy to answer them.

So… Festivus… What can I say about it that hasn’t already been said over the last ELEVEN years? It’s kind of like a dysfunctional family’s holiday party, where your drunk uncle tries to fight everyone, while your mother tries desperately to hold back her tears and not spill the beans about the impending divorce. Meanwhile your cousins are in the back room sniffing glue and doing whippits. And your brother’s new girlfriend is getting way too hammered, taking of here clothes and trying to make out with the family dog before inevitably passing out in your parent’s bed and pissing her self.

If you’re new to FESTIVUS this year, here’s what you can expect.

  • The Pole: FESTIVUS just wouldn’t be FESTIVUS if there wasn’t a Pole! It’s kind of like a Christmas tree if a Christmas tree were made of aluminum, had no branches and was absolutely devoid of decorations. The Pole will make it’s way through the entirety of trail… Which leads us to Feet of Strength..
  • Feet of Strength: Yep… Chances are you are going to be carrying something that weights about 1/3 of your total body weight. It’s not fun. It’s not supposed to be. There are at least a few of these bright shiny objects whose only purpose on this planet is to make your life hell.  But don’t worry, Bubba, the Rail Connector will not be making a return.
  • Airing of Grievances: This is probably my absolute favorite part of FESTIVUS!!! This is your chance to let others know just how badly they’ve disappointed you over the course of the last year. Now its time to return the favor… Did a certain hare NOT check with the bar he was planning to use and thus end up moving the start location 3 times? Did a Harrierette ruin a trail for you by passing out on the first hill, leaving you to carry her back to the house? How about the whole Green Dress Run charity Debacle? No violation is too big or too small for FESTIVUS. We are, after all, a family…
  • Wrestling: I feel like this one is self explanatory.
FESTIVUS it truly is the Holidaze for the rest of us!
Scroll to Top